Introspection

Its no surprise to me that I find myself at my most introspective when I've not had my kids at home for 5 days.  This is because I have the time when they are gone to look inward at myself and the ability to break apart without them around to witness.

Since the divorce, I've had so many people say how well I'm doing and how strong I am.  But when you see a smile on my face, it doesn't mean this horrible thing didn't happen or that it didn't hurt me.  Quite the opposite in fact.  It was a visceral, physical pain, akin to being gutted I think.  Who knew emotional pain could actually feel like such a devastating physical injury?   When someone you love dies, they typically don't have a choice in the matter.  Yes, it still hurts deeply, but in a different way.  When that person instead intentionally leaves you, whatever the reason, it was a choice.  So how do you get up the next day...  or the next day after that...  knowing that person purposely left you hanging in the wind?

So I thought I'd share a little bit of what I've done since January, on my road to recovery.  I have found myself searching for answers, or at least a guide for how to get through this.  I've read countless self-help books about divorce.  I've surrounded myself with positive thoughts and actions, that make me grateful to be alive.  Little things like buying myself flowers for no reason, or spending a Friday afternoon curled up on my couch with a good book and a cup of coffee.  I read my Bible daily and talk with God regularly throughout my day.  I journal.  Sometimes I go days without writing anything, and some days I write 3-4 times a day.  Often these entries are composed of things I want to say to those that hurt me.  And while I can never actually say these things in real life as they would only come back to hurt my children, just writing them down and expelling from my body and my mind get me a day closer to fully healed.  While writing, I often find out more about myself and what i want going forward in my life.  Here's an example from a journal entry this week:

"Only I will be deciding what I do with my life and my resources.  Our legacy isn’t the car we drive, the house we own, the things we buy.  Its our brain and our heart.  Its how we use the gifts we were blessed with to impact the world, for better or worse.  I CHOOSE that my legacy will be good, I will not be embarrassed to stand in front of the Lord and confess my sins at the end of this life.  I have made mistakes and with God’s help, I will learn the things He is trying to teach me on this journey.  Patience.  Faith.  Trust."

That, in a nutshell, is how I've gotten here today.  I made a choice.   And I continue to make it every day.  I choose to not be a victim to the events that occur on my journey of life.  I choose to move on and work to make it the life I want to live and enjoy.  So savor those that are on your journey of life.  They may not always be there with you, they may hurt you or leave you.  But they most definitely are there to teach you something.  Did you learn it yet?