"You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens." ~ Rumi
Well, after all this time on my own, its finally happened. I've fallen for someone. YAY! And... Its unrequited... Sigh... Sometimes life is a bitch, huh? It didn't happen overnight, it happened slowly, stealthily, a little more each passing week, death by a thousand paper cuts. And I knew in the choice of falling that there was a high probability it wouldn't work out. So why did I still jump? I've been asking myself this question over and over today. I think this quote sums up the "why" so succinctly:
"Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~ Rumi
I DO believe in love. That is the long and short of it. And I know that in order to find love, I'll need to put myself out there, exposing myself to the probability of hurt for the possibility of the most exquisite pleasure that exists on Earth. I know in this journey I will have to continue to look inwardly at myself for what barriers are holding ME back from truly experiencing love. But I do believe its out there and someday I will find a person that can sing the song of my heart back to me, and I'll know. I am still working out how to "know" before I get far enough in to get hurt... But I just don't think love works that way. Those darned rose colored glasses and all...
Rose colored glasses. Yeah, those are a big problem for me. I struggle with my innate desire to always focus on the positive, not just for myself but for others. This eternal optimism can be a blessing, its what allowed me to survive 14 years in a loveless marriage. But its also a curse (hey, I stayed in that marriage for 14 years, WTF was I thinking?) This mental capability to always see the silver lining causes me to ignore or make excuses for things that if I was listening to someone else tell this story, my advice would be to end things...
And I'm reminded again today that life keeps circling around with the same lessons. Case in point? This latest round in love, while in so many ways different from my last round, was at the core the exact same. I need someone who is available. I deserve someone who puts me first. And I'd rather be single the rest of my life then ever settle again for less than that. So I guess I'll pack up this broken heart and give it a rest for a bit. And then I'll get it out to practice some more and hope next time I don't have to relearn this specific lesson.
Until then though, this girl is packing a hot dress and a box of condoms and heading to Vegas for New Year's Eve! :o)
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