I sometimes feel like my life is on repeat mode. I more readily recognize now when I'm in a spiral pattern of lessons "learned" but not actually LEARNED. Lately, I've encountered this in a fashion that has left me breathless and knocked to the floor. I am in a place where I doubt my core ability to be a good friend. Being someone that you could count on when stuff gets deep and yucky? That has always been a strength of mine. But, it turns out I'm not as good at this skill as I thought. I'm actually human. Who knew? I make bad decisions and sometimes I hurt others, usually unintentionally. Sadly knowing this doesn't lessen the pain on their end or the guilt and sadness on mine.
So as I'm stuck on the floor figuring how to breathe again through this pain, I'm reminded about the other continuing lesson I keep seeing repeated. I could stay stuck here, gasping for air. Pulling back from interacting with this world to eliminate the risk of hurting someone else (or getting hurt myself).
I could do that. But I'd be denying the very essence of what God designed me to be, a human being meant to experience the range of emotions we go through in the course of a lifetime. So...? I'll take some time to sit here and ponder, catch my breath and figure out what I'm meant to learn. All the time hoping that someday soon, I can smile in spite of the pain and someday learn to sing again because of it.
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