We are now well into the school year, wrapping up the end of cross country and soccer seasons and I've seen a dramatic change in Isaac over the past several months. I can see the young man I always knew was in there coming out more and more each day. There are still ups and downs, but nothing like what we experienced over the last year and a half. He is more engaged in the world around him and responsive to his own areas of responsibility and I can't tell you how wonderful this is to see.
Here are some of the things that I feel helped us through this stage:
Clear expectations, consistently repeated, with accountability that can be enforced. I cannot emphasize this one enough. Every kid is different, so how to drive accountability will be unique. For Isaac, I drafted terms/conditions for wireless access :o) And it was EXPLICIT. Isaac is very detail oriented and smart enough to try to work the "well it didn't say exactly that.." line of argument. This has been a lesson for me in the art of contract negotiations ;o) We definitely had some follow-on red line markups of this terms/conditions list. Its been hanging in my kitchen in a prominent spot that we can both refer to it since drafting last spring.
Let the little things go. And recognize most of it is "little things". Document the things that matter (refer to first bullet) and then just let the rest go. Its their life, if they want to wear dirty clothes to school, that's their prerogative. They will get to live with the real life consequences of that choice (peer ridicule, other). My hard line was that when kids transition to their dad's house, they have to pick up their room to a specified level of cleanliness. If this step wasn't completed, they lost wireless access for 24 hours from time job was completed. It has been very effective and luckily hasn't had to be enacted many times since we set up this condition.
When you have nothing nice to say, don't talk. I failed on this step REPEATEDLY. Isaac actually does a very good job recognizing when I'm sliding into this state and pointing it out so that I can see it myself. For that, I am very grateful to him and I am so very proud to see how well he handles himself in stressful/heated discussions.
Keep on loving and showing it every day. This comes without saying, but sometimes you just have to keep loving through the "not liking" and pray that it's enough to get you both through. I tell my kids I love them every day. I give them hugs and kisses, physical touch MATTERS. Even when Isaac shied away, he still got hugs every day. And I can happily say he is now back to returning them 😃
Admit when you are wrong and acknowledge you don't have all the answers. I have found myself doing this regularly over the past year and a half. And you know what? It was extremely liberating. For someone who needs to always feel in control, this was a really big step for me. Acknowledging that I make mistakes showed Isaac that this is okay and part of the learning/growing process. And in sharing ownership of the solution, Isaac got the opportunity to incorporate his own ideas for how best to address the situation. Much of the details around our agreement were his!
Find common passions to connect and grow your relationship. I have found our relationship is at its best when I reach out and engage Isaac in his passions. Doing races together? A perfect example of an opportunity where he is at ease and comfortable and opens up to talk. I relish these times and have pushed my own frontiers in order to meet him in the middle. REC soccer? Yeah, I signed up because of Isaac, to build more common ground. While that was the originator, it has turned out to be a truely common passion!
In summary, I feel we have finally moved beyond surviving and back into thriving. I hope to keep these lessons in front of me for the times we slide and for when I get the good fortune to experience teenager #2!
No comments:
Post a Comment