Well, I'm coming up on the 4 month mark of divorce finalization and I thought I'd share with you the insight I've managed to gain on this journey so far. Here's the steps I've taken (and continue to take) since this overwhelming life event occurred and how I'm working my way to the other side of okay :o)
Accept it as fact. The sooner you acknowledge this, the sooner you will begin the process of healing and moving on. As unfair as the relationship or breakup may have been, its time to focus on your own life and making the most of it. You have enough energy provided to you to sustain finding your own happiness, and only yours. Do you really want to spend that energy mourning for someone else or rehashing all the what-ifs? What's done is done, its time to get busy rebuilding your own life. Continue to think of this event as a new beginning and eventually it will become one.
Build up same sex friendships. Your heart has been shredded, you are in no state for romantic relationships. The guidance I've read is anywhere from 6 months before pursuing new romantic encounters, a month for every year you were married, or a year for every 10 years you were married (sigh). So its time to focus relationship building in another category as you absolutely do need friendships and community to help you through the healing process. One of the things they don't really tell you about divorce is how the absence of physical contact will at times be a gnawing ache. The small things, like holding hands at night before drifting off to sleep, will be counted among the things you mourn most. So accept those hugs your friends and family offer, you WILL need them. This journey will be hard and there are times you'll want to cancel outings you've arranged, but don't. Even if you don't seem like you had fun while you were out there, you were OUT THERE. And that is a baby step to okay, keep walking my friend.
Do not rely on your ex for emotional support. Your ex is busy licking his/her own wounds and nothing good can come of your interactions besides you both hurting even more. Best to just keep your distance and work on healing yourself. This is easy to say, but hard to practice if you have children between you. Just do your best and save your angry words for your journal.
Don't chase the "why", chase forgiveness. There is a reason you are no longer together, accept that and don't chase the "why". In the end, it doesn't matter why, as the result is the relationship is still over. If you can forgive, you will find an easier path to the other side. Forgiveness seems like it makes what the other person did "ok", a permission of sorts. It does not mean what that person did was ok, nor does it mean you need to forget it. Forgiveness actually provides no benefit to the offender, it is rather the conscious choice that allows the offended to stop dwelling on the act and move on to a better tomorrow. So FREE yourself by forgiving and letting go.
Don't take your ex's actions personally (easier said than done, i know). Your ex is living their own life. Hard as it is, you have no input to how they choose to live it. This can be especially aggravating when kids are involved. Your ex will make choices that you will not agree with in relation to your kids. I find I need to continually remind myself that if these choices aren't putting the kids in direct harm, its none of my business. You need to trust that God is watching over your kids and whatever they experience is something He intended for them.
Know and be prepared for the stages of divorce. Divorce healing has documented stages you will go through (shock, denial, anger, depression, acceptance). Recognize you WILL go through all the stages and the path will NOT be linear. Just when you think you've successfully transitioned to the next stage, you'll experience something that will shove you right back to a previous stage. You are going to experience it, so you better have a plan for getting through! This is a great time to have the phone-a-friend card available :o)
Take care of yourself physically Use this as the life change you needed to inspire you to be your BEST self, inside and out. This includes both eating the right things for your body as well as giving it a work out on a regular basis. The workouts are essential and NOT just because they help you look better. My doctor shared with me that a 30 minute moderate workout is equivalent to 1 antidepressant pill! If that isn't reason enough to work out regularly, I don't know what is?? For me, the mental benefits of exercise are the number 1 reason I do it (even when I don't want to). The weight loss that's come with it? Just a nice secondary benefit ;o)
Take care of yourself mentally Exercise works wonders for mental health, as I noted. But it may not be enough on its own to get you through the really low times. I highly recommend starting a habit of journalling, which provides an outlet for your feelings that doesn't damage already tenuous relations. Additionally, use that friend network you've been building up and call upon them to help you through the tough spells. A girls night in with wine and a rom-com can go along way to breaking the blues. Remember to go easy on yourself, there is no right way to grieve. Don't expect instantaneous results, just take things one day (or one hour) at a time. Last but not least, consider seeking professional help. It is not a sign of weakness to seek out a therapist, nor is it something to be ashamed of. In fact, it is just the opposite. It takes tremendous strength to recognize your own weakness and to actively do something about it. Therapists are trained to help people through problems that happen (hopefully) rarely in our lives. We are uneducated in how to deal with the BIG life traumas, so we can either stumble through on our own or consider asking someone to help as a guide to navigate this unknown terrain.
Figure out what makes you happy and do it TODAY Try new hobbies, those things you always felt you never had time to do before. Take time to really think about what you enjoy doing and get it scheduled on the calendar to ensure you DO IT! One of the things I did very early on was write down my bucket list, which had short term desires (take a painting class) to longer term goals (visit Europe). List writing is the easy part, making these things reality is where the effort comes in. I check my list monthly to see if the things on the list are still bucket item worthy, cross off completed items, add new ones, and evaluate if I need to do additional planning to make them happen. Happy to note I've crossed off several of the shorter term ones already and am so glad I made the effort!
Find a way to help others This probably comes without saying, but giving of your time and talents is just as beneficial for you as it is for the recipient(s). With the decrease in on-the-clock parenting that is afforded to me by joint custody, I've found I have so much more free time. I've consciously chosen to allocate some amount of this time to giving back. I've had such a blessed life and if I can share that joy with others it only helps to further increase my own happiness. I've started to volunteer at church teaching sunday school. I've signed up to help with the RC Community Garden that grows food for our local food pantry. I've shared my divorce story with others and counseled them as to what to expect of the process. These are just some of the ways I'm working to give back to my community and I am throughly enjoying how these experiences continue to grow me as a person.
Go easy on yourself This is probably the area I struggle with most. I want to fast track to being healed, but that just isn't how it works. Some days are really great, others.. not so much. But I do recognize on my own journey that even when I have the down days now, they are less down than before. So, I guess the old saying "Time heals all wounds" is right. Now to work on being a little more patient with "time" and until then, relying on God to help carry me through the lows. And if I need to have a day where I just lay around in pajamas, immersed in a book with a cup of coffee to get through a down spell? That is absolutely FINE. :o)
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