My lollipop moment

Drew Dudley's TED talk on Everyday Leadership was the best 6 minutes I spent today.  His definition of leadership is attainable for EVERYONE.  This is the epitotomy of TED talks, to be able to convey a strong idea in such a tightly tuned sound bite that it just hits you in your gut and leaves you changed.

And it got me thinking about my lollipop moments.  Not the ones I don't remember where I've made lasting impact on others, but the ones where someone has done that for me.   And have I thanked them?  A few, yes.  Most? No.  And the ones that changed me in the ways that most matter?  Definitely not.

So this post is for Kurt Buhr.  He is the friend who over the course of many months repeatedly asked me to come to church.  He did this in a patient and unassuming kind of way, in a fashion that made me hear God calling.  He helped me back on my path to God over 2 years ago now.  He was one of the people who went out of their way to make me feel included in a very large church, where its easy to get lost in the crowd.  While I'm not the Christian I want to be, I'm definitely much closer to it now than I was thanks to Kurt.

Christmas Eve this year, I attended the 11pm service with my sister.  And they performed a skit in which this woman is struggling with the overwhelmingness of life and cannot figure out why she still feels empty.  And she is visited by Jesus (in the guise of Kurt Buhr).  Sometimes I find these skits can be corny, but Thursday night was just what I needed.  I've been struggling for months feeling a gnawing hole inside myself.  I have tried to fill this ache with worldly things, for a while it was purchases.... then it was men...  and I was sitting in that chair on Christmas Eve at a loss with what would make me feel whole.

And during that skit, Kurt again gently reminded me to choose Jesus.  I do.  Thanks Kurt.

Giving Thanks

'Tis the season where it behooves us to take time from our busy, hectic lives to pause and review what we overlook in the flurry of our every day crazy.  I've been taking a little time each morning this week to really think about this, to zoom in on the things I take for granted in my normal day.  Here's a sampling of things I've come up with:

My health:  I am so very fortunate to have a body that can support doing all the things I want to do, from climbing mountains in Phoenix to RAGNARs in Chicago and everything in between that makes my day a little happier.  I'm grateful for being able to survive heat yoga to the other side of the hour and getting to experience the incredible high it gives me to be that in touch with my physical self.  I'm looking forward to continuing to push my physical limits over this next year and seeing just how far I can go.

My family:  I'm so lucky to have such an amazing and supportive family.  They celebrate my successes and  surround and hold me up in times of trial.  I wouldn't be who I am without their love.  This includes those people that aren't related to me by blood but that I let in close who BECOME my family. You listen to me vent about my crazy life and you give good counsel and still love me even when I show my weakness.  Thank you for giving me the safe zone in which to be myself.

Nature:  Every day I strive to see something of the natural beauty in this world and it never ceases to amaze me.  Whether its the glorious pink cotton candy sunrise peering above the trees as I drive to work or the bright red leaves emblazoning the sidewalk as I set out for a late afternoon run, these are small daily miracles that I am blessed to be able to witness. 

Weather:  I don't know if its because I'm a native Iowan or if I'm just hardwired this way, but I LOVE 4 seasons.  I could never, ever live in a climate that isn't constantly changing and surprising me.  I love gloomy, rainy, stay-in-bed-with-coffee-and-a-book days as much as hot, sunny, humid lounging-by-the-pool days.  While I don't thrill at driving through snowstorms, I do love the blanketing calm, quiet hush they bring to the world.  Its like all that is dirty and ugly gets blessed with a clean sheet of pristine white and that childlike wonder at snow still thrills me to my core.  Sledding anyone?? YES please!  And don't forget the snowman building and snow angels :o)

Here is hoping you have a safe and happy Thanksgiving holiday and remember all that you have to be thankful for!

Growing pains revisited

This is a long overdue post but I was hesitant to capture this until I really felt sure we had reached a state where we were consistently seeing positive change.  I have had several of you ask how Isaac has been doing and how things are going with "teenagerdom".  This post sheds a little light into that aspect of my life.  

We are now well into the school year, wrapping up the end of cross country and soccer seasons and I've seen a dramatic change in Isaac over the past several months.  I can see the young man I always knew was in there coming out more and more each day.  There are still ups and downs, but nothing like what we experienced over the last year and a half.  He is more engaged in the world around him and responsive to his own areas of responsibility and I can't tell you how wonderful this is to see.  

Here are some of the things that I feel helped us through this stage:

Clear expectations, consistently repeated, with accountability that can be enforced.  I cannot emphasize this one enough.  Every kid is different, so how to drive accountability will be unique.  For Isaac, I drafted terms/conditions for wireless access :o)  And it was EXPLICIT.  Isaac is very detail oriented and smart enough to try to work the "well it didn't say exactly that.." line of argument.  This has been a lesson for me in the art of contract negotiations ;o)  We definitely had some follow-on red line markups of this terms/conditions list.  Its been hanging in my kitchen in a prominent spot that we can both refer to it since drafting last spring.

Let the little things go.  And recognize most of it is "little things".  Document the things that matter (refer to first bullet) and then just let the rest go.  Its their life, if they want to wear dirty clothes to school, that's their prerogative.   They will get to live with the real life consequences of that choice (peer ridicule, other).  My hard line was that when kids transition to their dad's house, they have to pick up their room to a specified level of cleanliness.  If this step wasn't completed, they lost wireless access for 24 hours from time job was completed.  It has been very effective and luckily hasn't had to be enacted many times since we set up this condition.

When you have nothing nice to say, don't talk.  I failed on this step REPEATEDLY.  Isaac actually does a very good job recognizing when I'm sliding into this state and pointing it out so that I can see it myself.  For that, I am very grateful to him and I am so very proud to see how well he handles himself in stressful/heated discussions.  

Keep on loving and showing it every day.  This comes without saying, but sometimes you just have to keep loving through the "not liking" and pray that it's enough to get you both through.  I tell my kids I love them every day.  I give them hugs and kisses, physical touch MATTERS.  Even when Isaac shied away, he still got hugs every day.  And I can happily say he is now back to returning them 😃

Admit when you are wrong and acknowledge you don't have all the answers.  I have found myself doing this regularly over the past year and a half.  And you know what? It was extremely liberating.  For someone who needs to always feel in control, this was a really big step for me.  Acknowledging that I make mistakes showed Isaac  that this is okay and part of the learning/growing process.  And in sharing ownership of the solution, Isaac got the opportunity to incorporate his own ideas for how best to address the situation.  Much of the details around our agreement were his!

Find common passions to connect and grow your relationship.  I have found our relationship is at its best when I reach out and engage Isaac in his passions. Doing races together? A perfect example of an opportunity where he is at ease and comfortable and opens up to talk.  I relish these times and have pushed my own frontiers in order to meet him in the middle.  REC soccer? Yeah, I signed up because of Isaac, to build more common ground.  While that was the originator, it has turned out to be a truely common passion!

In summary, I feel we have finally moved beyond surviving and back into thriving.  I hope to keep these lessons in front of me for the times we slide and for when I get the good fortune to experience teenager #2!

Tinderland diaries - rules from the trenches

I found it entertaining to re-read my first post about Tinder dating and look back on the experiences I've had since joining the site in March.

Those initial swipe "rules" I'd laid down are still spot on!  :o) Two additional rules I'd add for "automatic no":

Rule 1: Pictures of guy in a crowd (uhm which one am I potentially going on a date with?) Extra no for pictures of guy in a crowd of women (are you trying to indicate you are a polygamist?)

Rule 2: Pictures of your kids.  I find this extremely creepy.  I personally do not think Tinder should allow pictures of anyone under 18 on this site....  Unfortunately, lots of guys DO have pictures of their kids.  UGH.

The whole Tinder experience has been a bit surreal actually.  I feel as if I have fallen into the middle of an episode of Sex in the City...  I'm wondering how the heck I managed to go from mid-30s-married-with-two-kids mom to "Samantha" in just over a year?  While I've enjoyed the education, I've certainly come away with some lessons learned.  While these all "seem" to be common sense, they can be surprisingly hard to put in practice.

• If you are married, please do NOT have a Tinder profile unless you partner is aware and consenting.  I've been disheartened to now have run across more than one married man on this site and their respective spouse was unaware.  BLEH.
• Have no expectations going into a first "date".  This seems pretty pessimistic off the cuff, but in reality, if you can keep the  attitude of "nothing to lose, I'm going to take what comes", I assure you more times that not, you are going to have a great night. :o)
• First dates should be SHORT.  Keep it 1-2 hours.  Its enough to feel out if there is chemistry and to see if there is enough in common to make it to date two.
• There are no "rules" you need to abide by for when you move on from friends to lovers.  Don't judge and don't let yourself be judged.  You are an adult and its your life.  Do what feels right to you.
• If and when you do decide to cross that line?  Always be prepared.  Have a condom, don't assume he will.  Make him use it, no excuses.  There is no sexual experience so great its worth gambling your life on.  Yes, this sounds extreme, but so is Russian roulette.  Sex with unknown partners?  Thats sexual roulette...
• Get his full name and number and pass to a trusted friend, along with where you'll be going and how long you expect to be.  It never hurts to have backup.   (Yes, I know...  Sadly the world is a crazy place).
• ALWAYS go to his place first.  This has multiple benefits.  It allows you to assess him at his core (I believe a home reflects the person that lives within).  It gives you the power of determining when the evening will end, without having an awkward "uhm, that was fun...  I have to get up early" speech (to discourage unwanted overnight guests).   And lastly/most importantly, it ensures you keep your "fun" away from your sanctuary/home. :o)

I will also note that Tindering is highly addictive, along the same vein as Candy Crush or Trivia Crack.  I'd find myself checking out my matches and swiping between meetings or while waiting to pick up kids from practice.  For a lady who already has no free time, these are precious minutes that could be better spent.  While I have enjoyed the ease at which the app allowed me to explore single men outside my normal circle, I've also found myself caught up in the social media "like-ability" game.  I know I don't need to validate myself by the number of matches I make or whether or not I hear back from "that guy".  But sometimes its hard to fight off that little devil on your shoulder and it has certainly thrown my self confidence for a loop on occasion.  

Having slid down this slippery slope, I've decided its time to take off my Tinder shoes for a bit and put focus back on the things that matter most to me.  Myself and my kids.  I'm not giving up looking for a dance partner, I've just come to realize that its not going to be forced into happening, it will come when its time.  

God, please grant me the patience to WAIT!  :o)

Deja Vu, You?

I sometimes feel like my life is on repeat mode.  I more readily recognize now when I'm in a spiral pattern of lessons "learned" but not actually LEARNED.   Lately, I've encountered this in a fashion that has left me breathless and knocked to the floor.  I am in a place where I doubt my core ability to be a good friend.  Being someone that you could count on when stuff gets deep and yucky?  That has always been a strength of mine.  But, it turns out I'm not as good at this skill as I thought.  I'm actually human.  Who knew?  I make bad decisions and sometimes I hurt others, usually unintentionally.  Sadly knowing this doesn't lessen the pain on their end or the guilt and sadness on mine.

So as I'm stuck on the floor figuring how to breathe again through this pain, I'm reminded about the other continuing lesson I keep seeing repeated.  I could stay stuck here, gasping for air.  Pulling back from interacting with this world to eliminate the risk of hurting someone else (or getting hurt myself).

I could do that.  But I'd be denying the very essence of what God designed me to be, a human being meant to experience the range of emotions we go through in the course of a lifetime.  So...?   I'll take some time to sit here and ponder, catch my breath and figure out what I'm meant to learn.  All the time hoping that someday soon, I can smile in spite of the pain and someday learn to sing again because of it.

Forgive thine enemy

This past Sunday was another amazing message at Antioch.  Pastor John had a challenge he put forth to the congregation that I took to heart.  He asked that we each pray sincerely for 30 days for someone we consider an enemy.  The premise being if you are being sincere in this effort, over time your perspective will change and that person will no longer be seen in same light.

When I was digesting this, my initial thought was " I don't really have any enemies".  But in digging deeper, I realized there ARE people that I cannot consistently get along with.   We all do.  That annoying co-worker, the family member that totally rubs you the wrong way...   When I looked at it from this perspective, I had some very obvious candidates that I planned to work on for this challenge.  

In my original musings on this topic in preparation for post, I stopped there.  But oh, what a difference a day makes...   Tonight?  I have discovered that I am on my own list.  Hmm...  I wasn't expecting that?  But sometimes you are confronted with something very ugly about your own self and it takes concentrated effort to move past the self-loathing to the learning/growing state that comes from these experiences.  Yeah...  that's where I'm at tonight.  

So I'm taking this challenge.  I'm going to pray for those people that had originally come to mind, and I'm going to pray for myself.  And I'd like to pass on this challenge to you and I would love to hear how it works for you!

Success through failure

Well, here I thought the parenting lesson I was struggling with the most these days was "learning to pick your battles".  Tonight I've come to the realization that the area that I am floundering on is "letting my child fail and live/learn from those consequences".

I have noted on previous posts how smart Isaac is and how we have struggled for the past year and a half with his apathetic-to-school-grade-performance attitude.  I had hoped Isaac, through the course of this last semester's consequences of poor grades (revoking computer usage and eventual pulling from club soccer roster), would recognize the direct corollary to his actions.

Imagine my shock and disappointment when he brings a sheet of paper to me this evening to sign which indicates he is failing Drivers Education class.  The class is just 4 weeks long, with 2 hours of class time a day.  We paid $450 for the class and have had to juggle busy schedules to support getting him to/from class and driving lessons in inclement weather (he rides his bike otherwise).  This is week 3 and apparently Isaac did not recall when an assignment or a test was due, which has resulted in a failing grade to-date.

Kudos me, I did not spontaneously combust in a fit of fury and angry condemnation.  This is a big growth step for me.  I DID ask him to explain to me what I was looking at and what it meant.  I asked him what happened that got him to this state.  I asked him how he planned to recover.  And then I clearly explained to him that if he fails this class, he will reimburse the costs.  I also noted that his dad and I would need to discuss what long term impacts this would have on his transportation options to extra curricular activities going forward.

And now I must sit and wait... through another round of lessons lived/learned that aren't mine to own.  Parenting is a bitch sometimes.

Perfect love, extending my olive branch

Have you ever had a crystal clear moment where you heard God talking to you and compelling you to act on something?  I experienced just such an event a few short months ago and I'm overdue on passing this message on.  

I had been plugging away at life, trying to keep afloat between work and home craziness during the month of March.  One morning near the end of the month, I was driving into to work not thinking about anything in particular.  As I pulled into a parking spot, I felt this burning need to reach out to Erin.  It has become apparent that she is a long term fixture in my kids' lives and I had this moment of clarity where I realized she could be an ally if I was willing to let her.  She is in a distinct position to be able to help bridge the communication gap that will probably forever exist between Ryan and I.  I think one of the drivers for me having this epiphany was that I could see Erin was already filling some of these communication holes on her own.   

So?  

I walked into work that morning and unblocked her from hangouts (yes... I'd blocked them both, I'm still a petty human after all).   And then I sent her an email asking if she'd be interested in meeting for coffee sometime and getting to know one another a little better.    

And you know what?  She said yes.  :o)  

A few short weeks later, we had our coffee date.  We happen to work in the same building, so I even offered to drive!  Our 30 minute coffee turned into 2 hours of sharing and growing and relating....  And it was like I'd always suspected.  I can see MYSELF in her.  I can empathize with her path in life.  I can appreciate what she is trying to do for my kids and I understand why she took her chance at love.  I don't hold it against her.  In fact, I'm actually very hopeful that her and Ryan are successful long-term, because that's what would be best for my kids.  

I am grateful for this new addition to my village, helping me to grow these two beautiful human beings into outstanding adults. :o)

Staying true to MY stories....

I just experienced the most incredible event yesterday.  I had the good fortune to be able to see Glennon Doyle Melton live in person yesterday at the Every Woman Counts luncheon in Des Moines.  It was soooo good!!! Inspiring, uplifting, empowering!!  She's getting her own dedicated blog post next week, so stay tuned for that!

Today I'm compelled to share a lesson Glennon reminded me of over yesterday's lunch hour.  My blog, at its very core, is intended for me to share my truths, those life events that shape me into the person God intends.  Its full of mistakes and brutal and hopefully you can see the beautiful that comes from it (BRUTIFUL, I just love this word!)

For those that regularly read this blog, you'll recall the post related to Isaac and what I now refer to as "the police incident".   A few days after I posted the story, I received some feedback that questioned if Isaac had read/would read the post and a concern was expressed that the story I had posted could exacerbate our already tenuous relationship.  This beloved friend was courageous enough to share her perspective and I confess I had not considered how my story would affect Isaac.  I immediately pulled the post from my blog but saved it off in my journal because it was meaningful to ME and part of shaping ME.

Glennon reminded me yesterday that God plants these stories in my life for a reason and by sharing them, I can help reach others and give them the courage to own THEIR TRUTHS.  One of the most powerful things I heard yesterday was "what do you want your kids to learn from you as they grow to adulthood?"  The response?  Kindness, courage, and compassion.  I couldn't agree more.  So how do we instill this in our kids?  I think the first step is showing your kids you AREN'T perfect, you are HUMAN.  You demonstrate by your own actions how to work through the hard that life throws at you.  You show your kids how to sit in the uncomfortable emotions and let those emotions shape and grow you.   Its through the brutals and the pain that we learn how to love more deeply, more wholy, more HOLY.

So, how does this tie back to the "police incident"?  This post was MY story.  It is what I didn't have the courage to say to Isaac at the time it occurred, as I worried the combination of my hurt and his hurt intermingled would be something that would break us.  But in looking back, I think now this was a mistake.  I wish I had asked him to tell me HIS story.  And then I would have shared MY story.  And in doing this, perhaps we could have both grown a little more empathic and compassionate for each other.

THIS is what I WILL do next time.  And until next time? Here's MY reposted story, it was meant to be here.
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Ahhhhh, here is another non-sprinkle & rainbow tale in the life and times of Chrissy. I'm throwing this out there while its fresh in hopes it either helps someone else or someone reads this and has suggestions for how to handle this? The "mom handbook" did not cover this training in sufficient detail!! Oh who am I kidding, there IS no mom handbook, I've been winging this for 14 years.

Isaac is smart, sooo incredibly smart. The kid has been in TAG classes since 2nd grade and actually skipped 4th grade entirely. I note this because over the past year (to be honest this started right as soon as the divorce happened), Isaac has dropped off on being accountable for his grades. We had an "unpleasant surprise" in June of last year when we got his report card at end of year and he got his first ever C. We went into this school year with a more proactive approach. He got some clear boundaries placed (must maintain a B or above average in all classes) with explicit consequences (loss of electronics). In the flurry between houses, I will readily admit that Ryan and I failed to watch him as diligently as we had planned. By the end of the semester, Isaac had taken another turn for the worse and it was time to up the consequence list (removal of soccer). It seemed to shock him enough to recover Semester 1 grades to B- (barely). We started off post Xmas break with a reminder of the consequences and Ryan and I have been on the weekly grades/homework tracking like hawks. Over the past month, Isaac has slid back into his old habits of not doing his homework, he'd get flagged for it/lose privilege and then recover for a week and then back down again. He hasn't had his computer for better part of the last month and he hasn't attended soccer for 2 weeks now. Enter in "calling the bluff" stage of teenagerdom. Isaac decided he no longer needed to attend school since we'd taken everything of value from him. He has "had a headache" 3 days of the last 10.... I asked Isaac Monday night if he'd consider going to counseling (NO). I had called school counselor Tuesday and left a message asking for help/guidance but haven't heard back yet. I did manage to get him to school today thankfully. Turns out there was an ulterior motive. Rather than come home to my house, Isaac decided to go to his dads (who is out of town for work this week). WELL - ISN'T THAT ICING ON THIS SHITTY CAKE? Trust me, even with icing, it STILL wasn't palatable.

So, 445pm today after arriving at my house-with-no-Isaac-inside, I had Bella's key to her dads, the police on speed dial, and a goal to remain calm while confronting a terrorist (whom I happen to love dearly but right now want to throttle). I unlocked the door and politely asked him if he remembered he was supposed to be at my house tonight. Of course he knew. I asked him to get his things and go get in my car. Adamant refusal. At which point I dialed police (which got a response from Isaac). I remained on the line as Isaac grabbed his things and headed out the door and started walking. The CR police are FANTASTIC BTW! Heroes in uniform for this distraught mom. I was following along side Isaac with my caution lights on and the police man and woman got out of their respective patrol cars and spent some time talking with Isaac (and with me separately). The policeman was kind enough to tell me that this happens/is not unusual and I did the right thing. sigh... It doesn't feel like it, but hey maybe that is what the missing handbook says to do? Isaac spent the next hour sitting in the car in my garage. I meanwhile, called a trusted friend that Isaac looks up to and requested she come over tonight to talk with Isaac. Amanda, I LOVE YOU, your willingness to help means more than I can ever say.

And thats where we are at. I have no handbook, no fucking clue what to do next, and no hair on my head that is not now grey.... Please send a prayer my way or advice if you have been through something like this before. I'm all ears and desperate to help Isaac find his way.

Upstaged by Miss Iowa?!?

So another no-kids weekend and another opportunity to make some new friends of the male persuasion, yay me for "getting out there!"  I happened to find a kindred spirit book-lover so I set up what I thought was a very fitting first date location, coffee and chatting at the downtown library.   (See?  I took everyone's advice and stopped having first dates that were dinner/movie variety!!!)  

I left my house later than planned and texted since I knew I was going to be a few minutes late.  Arriving at the library, I was surprised to see the lot and all the surrounding area street parking was full.   I visit the library several times a month and have never seen it so busy, CRAP!  So I got the joy of parking 2 blocks away, even more late, DOH!  My date was kind enough to be punctual, bonus points for him!  It was when we made our way to the coffee shop area that we realized the crazy going on at the library.  There were not 1, but 2 baby showers going on in reserved rooms... AND?  Standing in the front of the coffee line was a lady wearing a rather large tiara and a matching sash.  Ahh!!!  The library is hosting a qualifying round of the Miss Iowa teen pageant, JOY!  (I didn't even know these still existed?)  

<<DISCLAIMER 1: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Unless you were at the library this afternoon, then I might actually be talking about you, but I used you purely for inspiration....>>

<<DISCLAIMER 2: If you are a pageant affictionado, do not read any further, you will not like this blog post.>>

I didn't give the pageant another thought.  We got our coffees and then I gave my date a tour of our (most excellent) library facility.   After hitting the rooftop garden, we settled in two club chairs on the observation deck on the second story, with me facing towards the main library section and my date facing the entrance to auditorium/classrooms.  

Within 5 minutes, the circus begins.  

First up?  The entourage of "former" Miss Iowans down the observation deck, with their crowns proudly displayed, and leaving a visible cloud of perfume in their wake.  Seriously.  It was visible.  And unfortunately the smell took FOREVER to dissipate, I think I'm still scraping the taste of it off my tongue?  That probably should have been the indication that we should have relocated...  But no, we are tough.  (And stupid?)

Next up?  The swimsuit contest!  Yes, a whole bevy of under-age scantily clad and heavily made up teenagers walked behind me from the auditorium to bathroom (and then back again).  My date was kind enough to point it out and not have me just wondering why he kept looking over my shoulder.  

Then came the evil minions.  Really, it was just another bevy of heavily made up underage girls, who happened to each be wearing a purple blouse.   Hmm, really?  Yes, NOW we should move...  But no, we didn't.  At this point its like trying not to look at a car wreck....? 

However, I was now on to the circus occurring behind my back....  So when I heard the jingling sound, I didn't wait for date to point out the latest oddity, I quickly spun around to see it for myself.   Oh!!!   Its COWGIRL scantily clad teenager, bare midrift, with spurs jingling (I assumed it was spurs, but who knows.   You can't look that closely, they are UNDERAGE!!!!!)  Yep, this is officially the most environmentally strange first date I've been on.

But the icing on the cake was saved for last, because next up?  The talent contest portion of the event!  We were lucky enough to get to witness the baton twirler's warmup outside the auditorium. She had a lovely, revealing, bedazzled red outfit on and was able to keep 3 batons going while doing a backbend?  WOW!

My date did a pretty amazing job of maintaining the conversation and eye contact (mostly) the whole time.  Meanwhile, I'm just glad the baton twirler didn't hit me with one of her sticks.  It would have been a shame to ruin a perfectly good first date!

Becoming a NO woman

When you say "YES" to others, make sure you're not saying "NO" to yourself.

GAHH!!!!  Sometimes you have to continue to get hit over the head with a sledge hammer (repeatedly?) to learn an important life lesson.  Saying NO is definitely one of those sledge hammer lessons for me. I often find myself saying yes to doing things for one of two reasons: my ultimate desire to live life to its fullest or guilt around disappointing another.

I have always had a strong drive to live a full life/find and fulfill my purpose, so I strive to not limit  myself to new experiences.  Unfortunately I don't always account for the amount of time saying YES really requires.  This often leads to me realizing too late that I have way too much on my plate and that those extra YESes robbed me of the joy I thought my YES would bring because I was stressed out trying to do everything?!?  <headthump>

My other driver to YES is that I am intrinsically a people pleaser.  I would do darn near anything for someone I consider a friend and when I have to say NO, I really have to battle my inner sense of guilt and the feeling that I've disappointed them somehow.  I recognize that I do not OWE anyone else MY time.  I have gotten better with this over the past year, but its definitely an uphill road for me.

In light of these obvious drivers of my YESes, I've come up with a triage method to ensure I'm saying YES to the right things.  Here are the questions I now ask myself when opportunities come knocking and I have to decide how to spend my time:

1) Do I love it? (It might be hard but its gratifying and the effort expended is worth the return)
2) Does it feed me? (It fills my soul, time flies by and I don't even realize it)
3) Do I grow from it in ways I need to in order to make forward progress on my path (gaining experience, knowledge, betterment)

Next step?  Documenting my successful NOs!  I plan to track in my journal each successful NO so that I can train myself that its okay to say it and that I am actually making progress in doing so!

Whiplashed!

Sometimes there comes along a movie that hits you right in the sweet spot of your life and resonates you to your core.  I had just such a movie experience a few weekends ago.  I had just watched the Oscars and one of the buzz favorites was Whiplash.   I will admit, I had no burning desire to watch a show about a drummer, but I had a free night with no kids around and boy am I glad I visited Redbox!  I have never re-watched a movie from Redbox until I saw this one.  I watched it Friday night.  I watched it Saturday morning.  I kept it and watched it again Saturday nite??  Yeah, I'll be buying this one.  :o)

I confess, I do love jazz music, so the music score totally drew me in.  But the real resonation was in seeing this guy fighting to live his passion as a drummer, driven to be the best at the point of destroying himself.  I loved the dynamic between the artist and his instructor.  The instructor (J. K. Simmons, absolutely earning his Oscar!) wants to create the next musical genius and pushes his students to the limit and beyond in order to achieve this dream.

This movie was another reminder along my path, a signpost telling me to get cracking on my purpose.  I don't have time to waste.  I want to spend each day living out loud and in color!

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.” 

Keeping on the perspectacles in eDatingland

Well I'm on to yet another dating website.  This is starting to get old?  Or perhaps I'm too old for e-dating...  hmm, will ponder that another day. ;o)  Match, eHarmony, okCupid....  I've tried them all.  Next up?  Tinder.  Tinder makes no qualms about being a "hook up" website.  The only profile you have is an upload of up to 5 pictures of yourself.  I think you can write a short sentence, but I've not yet figured out how to do that and it hasn't seemed to make a difference in the number of "swipe right to like"s I've received. :o)

The obvious downside to this site is you don't find out much about the guy until you meet, which I suspect means more "not fun" dates in my future than I want?  Luckily, my dear friend Erin provided me necessary perspectacles today.  Keep it simple/don't over think, enjoy the time, have some fun!  Being someone who skipped right over the sowing-wild-oats stage of life, this is something I've come to realize I need to do in order to move on to my next long term relationship.  I need to ditch the unrealistic expectation that I'm going to meet Mr Right the first date I go on.  And I need to get rid of the preconceived notion of what packaging he comes in.  I've decided this year to just go with "practicing" so I learn what I do and don't like.  And perhaps I'll luck out and find a gem in the process?

My enginerdy characteristics are in full force as I've noticed a pattern in the guys I quickly swipe left (dislike) on.  Here's my Tinder criteria I apply as instant pre-filter during my time on this judging-purely-by-photo dating website:

• Pictures of guys gesturing with fingers in some weird gangster way (you'd be surprised how many guys have one or more of these types of pics?)
• Guys wearing Necklaces (Its just not my thing.  Jewelry is for me to wear, not you!)
• Smokers (infrequent cigar smokers are acceptable.  emphasis on infrequent!)
• Pictures of your car/truck/motorcycle (Great.  You have a nice car and you wash it regularly.   Sorry, but these pictures just read to me as materialistic?  There's more to life, man...)
• No smiling pictures (Who wants to hang with Mr. Negative?)
• Every picture involves alcohol (I enjoy imbibing, but its not a prerequisite for me to have a good time.  When that's ALL your pictures show?  Guess what kind of message that sends?)

And to end on a positive note, here are the things that tend to make me swipe right or at least give a further look:

• Glasses (sucker for those, they make you look SMART!)
• A funny 1 line bio (at least I know you have a sense of humor!)
• Tattoos (Gulp, total sucker for the ink....)
• Nice dresser (Dapper Dan, gets me EVERY TIME)
• Facial hair (I find most of the guys I like have facial hair in at least one of their photos, interesting...)
• Travel and fine dining shots (Extra credit if you have both!  Travel is definitely on my bucket list, so seeing pictures of you in exotic locales is indicative of a common passion.  If you are also a foodie, you get to move to the FRONT of the dating line!)

I'm sorry... (NO, I'm not!)

I'm sorry, so sorry....

What is it about female DNA that causes us to instinctively want to apologize in a tense situation?  Or even more frustrating, when we want to apologize for mistakes we didn't even make??  I am aware of this natural defensive mechanism and I still catch myself doing it.  Bad Chrissy!  I have an ingrained sense of politeness that will cause me to apologize in a situation and accept a portion of blame in order to diffuse it, part of my "being a team player" mentality.    WTF?  Its hard enough to have to deal with all the external customs/patterns of our ever-changing world.  It becomes downright exhausting when you have to be just as diligent about fighting your own internal idiosyncrasies??

Both these behaviors I see in others far quicker than I recognize in myself.  When I caught Bella apologizing for something trivial this past week, I realized I was setting a pattern for her by my own actions that I did not want to continue.  So I sat down next to her and we talked about feelings.  I explained that she should never be sorry for being who she is.  I described how learning who you are is a lifelong process and there will be many mistakes along the way.  I'd much rather hear "I understand where I went wrong and I'll do it differently next time" than "I'm sorry".

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

This week I'm putting one foot in front of the other and doing my best to keep showing up.  February has been a rough month for me with the work/life pendulum swinging grossly out of alignment.  March?  Its going to be even more challenging, as my work team pushes to customer delivery date.

I think my job as Technical Project Manager (TPM) has finally settled in enough that while I can see the benefits to my career path, I can also see the drawbacks of the role.  I currently have technical oversight of a team of about 100 engineers.  Its an exciting project, a brand new aircraft , and I have a great team.

Unfortunately, the TPM job role requirements hit my personality in very specific ways.  My core desire to "get things done" causes me to naturally gravitate  to "I'll just do it myself" mode.  When your job title is really "the glue that makes it all work", its a very grey line delineating what YOU need to do versus what you NEED to delegate.  Something I'm working on improving at is asking for help.  This is a big step for me, admitting that I need help!  :o)

And ownership & accountability?  These traits are very personalized.  After 5 months in this role, I'm still struggling with what I can do to help unleash this potential in others.  We win or lose as a team and it takes all of us to get across the finish line.   Until I figure that out, I guess I'll just keep chugging away on the next right thing....  No one ever ate an elephant in one bite right?

Just keep swimming!!!

Dating's awkward moments...

So I signed up on OkCupid a few weeks ago, yet another in the series of online dating options that seems to be the norm for 21st century dating.  Can I just say how much I hate "first dates"?  UGH....  That exciting but uncomfortable dance between potential mates where you are continually on your toes trying to avoid faux pas, while navigating the unknown territory of learning someone new?

I got another "opportunity to practice" this weekend, with a dinner and movie date option.  I could tell within the first 10 minutes that this would a be a one-time-only date.  These dates are really the worst, where you are committed to enduring the next few hours with someone and you just kind of grin and bear it, because that's the polite thing to do.  In reviewing last night's events, here's a few expectations I have drawn up as requirements for first-date success:

1. Dress up like you care.  Odds are you've looked at my online profile a few times now, so you know I care about my own appearance at least a little bit.  Do you think I'd have lesser expectations of you?  Baggy 2x-your-size shirt/jeans/sneakers combo is not acceptable attire for a man in his early 40s on a first date.

2. Be on time (or gasp, early?)  This shows you value my time and are interested in me.  Making me feel like I'm front and center for you?  This is the quickest way to earn a second date, bar-none.  If I am not quite sure if you are second date worthy?  This is my deciding factor.

3. Learn dating social cues.  If you lean into me at the movie theater, and then make an obvious play of putting your hand on my lap for me to hold, please recognize I'm NOT an idiot.  If I didn't grab your hand (OR if I shifted the other direction and then when you didn't pick up on THAT, I went to the bathroom?) this response means I'm NOT INTERESTED.  And no, you do not need to then ask me when I get back from the bathroom if I'd like to hold hands?!?  (Officially THE longest last hour of a movie EVER!!!)

Bleh...  Not sure I can handle more than one of these a month.

Guess I will just be my own Valentine's date this year??  I will probably be the only single woman at 50 Shades of Grey, but at least I like holding my own hand!

Societal memes, schmemes!

Something I've been struggling with for a while now is how to define my life within culturally accepted norms.  I've been looking at these long standing societal memes and really questioning their validity.   

An example?  Long term relationships.  I felt significant pressure to get back in the dating saddle and find someone new this year.  Why does divorce recovery success have to equate to being firmly reestablished in a new relationship?  Friends have asked if I'm seeing anyone, dating...  And I have to admit its caused me to feel guilt and embarrassment because I haven't been successful in finding my unicorn.   The honest truth is I haven't actually been trying much.  I knew this year's journey was meant for me to remember what it was like to be ME.  The ME I was just starting to know when I became a wife and mother.  There wasn't room in this past year for nurturing anything else besides myself and my children.  But along the way, I also came to realize that I do not need to be in a relationship to feel whole.  Needing to be part of a twosome is a societal meme; one that has taken me a long while to recognize as an untruth.  

If I look back over this past year's journey?  I'd rate it as possibly the best year of my life, and I was on my own the whole time.  Life has taught me so much in just 12 short months.   It has shown me I can walk through the valleys of life and still see joy and love being alive.  It has taught me that no matter what happens, if I stay true to myself I will come out the other side okay and maybe even better than I went in?!?  This year has honed those pieces of my character that are the very essence of ME to a razor sharp focus and I thank God every day for that clarity.

So I guess I'm going to keep trucking solo and enjoy each day as it comes.  I'm not going to try to force things with love and long term relationships - if its meant to happen, it will.  The surest way for it to be a success starts with me being myself and knowing the beauty of that will attract the "right" one.  

But hey, if you happen to see a lone unicorn that seems like a match for me, feel free to pass along my number!  ;o)

When is enough enough?

I not-so-recently finished the book You Before Me, which stirred some deep thinking on my end (surprising, I know).  The plot is centered around a man, Will, who lives a very big, very active life and through a freak accident ends up a quadriplegic.   The book is centered around Will's desire to end his own life, the right to die.  

As I read this book, I alternated between two intertwined veins of thought.  In the first vein, I followed the path of loved ones surrounding Will, who were trying in every way to convince him life was worth living.  What would I do to convince a loved one to stay and find the beauty in this world?  Probably anything within my power, even a willingness to step outside legal boundaries in my desire to achieve the end goal.

The second vein of thought involved traveling Will's path and viewing his desire to make this one most basic choice for himself.  This was a much harder path to follow, perhaps because I could recognize how easily it could be travelled and how the choice of death could be made with validity.  Is dignity in death such an outlandish desire?

This is one of those topics that illustrates to me how my own perceptions have changed with time.  I used to define my world as so starkly black and white; now it swirls with layers upon layers of grey.

Who's broken?

 Someone described my blogging recently as being open and broken.  This struck a chord in me.  Open?  Yes.  Honest and raw to the core, unfiltered?  Most definitely yes...  Broken?  Hmm...  No.   This word isn't working for me...  I don't think that is how I would describe my blog.  Or myself.  I think a more apt descriptive word  is "human".  

One of those truths I've come to really know over this past year is there is always a choice in how we color our view: of ourselves, of our loved ones, of our lives.  And in those traits of ourselves we don't much care for?  Our weaknesses, our character flaws? There is a choice to be made if you want to continue to reach the apex of your personal growth.  You can choose to accept your flaws and embrace them as making up the sum of YOU, or you can choose to change.  

This past year, I've done a lot of accepting. :o)  And now I show those weakest parts of myself because I've learned that through these cracks in my armor the greatest amount of light shines through.   I believe that life is all about letting your light shine as brightly as you can.  If you are fortunate, your light will illuminate the paths of others along your journey.  Blogging is a vehicle I use to reach others and help light their path.  

Won't you let your light shine too?

   

A taste of poetry, delicious...

Alice Fulton ~ What I like

Friend - the face I wallow toward

through a scrimmage of shut faces.

Arms like towropes to haul me home, aide-

memoire, my lost childhood docks, a bottled ark

in harbor.  Friend - I can't forget

 how even the word contains an end.

We circle each other in a scared bolero,

imagining stratagems: postures and imposters.

Cold convictions keep us solo. I ahem

and hedge my affections.  Who'll blow the first kiss,

land it like the life-forces we feel,

tickling at each wrist? It should be easy

easy to take your hand, whisper down this distance

labeled hers or his: what I like about you is

January 1983

Post holiday funk-dified

So...

Raise your hand if you are struggling to get back into the swing of "real life" post holiday break.  MAN is that a tough transition.  Why does life/work seem so much harder when you've had a break from "real" for such a short time???  

I've been pretty bummed this week following the relaxing 2 weeks off of work.  I've even had a few work colleagues ask me how I'm doing...  Guess I'm not hiding it as well as I thought?  Work is full-bore crazy and full of fires I can't figure out how to put out.  The weather has been a complete inconvenience this week to accomplishing a busy schedule and I had BOTH girl scout troop meetings mid-week.

Ironically my little quote box on the kitchen windowsill has been displaying this message all week:

"Now and then its good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just BE happy" ~ Guillaume Apollinaire

And that has been a message I've taken to heart and have been working to live each day this week to get me through.  When I walked away from work each night I told myself I wasn't going to think or worry about things because that didn't solve any problems and only made me more ineffective the next day.  So instead each night I did something to BE happy.

Monday night?  I ran on treadmill (sort of happy) while watching Sex in the City (VERY HAPPY, much laughing!!!)  Seriously, when I watched this series originally it did not hit near the nerve that it does now that I'm a single woman in my mid-30s!  They SO HAD IT RIGHT!

Tuesday night I played legos with Bella and cooked supper with the kids, yay for sticking to New Years resolutions for at least the first week!

Wed night I had my Daisy meeting.  Sometimes the pre-work to meeting can be a chore when life is at its busiest, but getting to spend an hour with 7 enthusiastic kindergartners?  Salve to my soul.  LOVE these girls!  I followed up the meeting with some knitting and Downtown Abbey.  I call this nite a big win!!

Tonight?  My Juniors meeting.  I love my older girls too, although as they approach pre-teen they are a bit less enthusiastic?  The extra special part of Thursday night Junior meeting is that normally Bella is at her dad's and I don't see her for several days.  The meeting allows me an hour and a half window to suck up some loving on my girl/my lifeline.

And tonight? I had one of those moments that just shows how God is still holding me in his hands.  In the midst of these doldrums, a dear friend brought me a Christmas gift to the girl scout meeting.  I opened it when I got home and it was a jar full of "kind notes".  Inspirational notes that you can pull from daily when you need something to lift your spirits.  Ali, thank you so much for this present, I can't tell you how much it meant and how much it helped.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to pay that gift forward to someone else.  The unexpected gifts are sometimes the most needed.

The REAL 2015 Resolutions :o)

Similar to my public proclamation of signing up for a half-marathon in the hopes all my friends would hold me accountable to training, I would like to lay out my real resolutions for the next year on electronic paper.  I am hopeful it will at the very least give me some good fodder to poke fun of as 2015 closes???  So here's the completely random things that have been fluttering around in my brain as must-do this next year.   I've also listed some nice-to-do options here as well, we'll call those "stretch goals" ;o)

First up?  I'm looking to hold all the gains I made health-wise in 2014.   Along this vein, I'd like to add regular weight lifting into my current all-cardio routine.  I'm at an age where muscle mass begins a steady decline and as I'd like to be active for a good while longer, I think i'm going to have to bite the bullet and actually start pumping some iron.  UGH (you can see how excited I am about this one??)  Goal is 2x a week, double UGH.  On more enjoyable news? I also plan to sign up for another half marathon, let me know if you want to join in the fun!

Next on the list?  Dedicating time to meditate each morning.  With my bible, with an inspirational quote, with just my own thoughts...  I want to be more consistent in spending those first few minutes of my day focusing my intentions so that I spend the day the way I choose.

My education goal this year?  I would like to rededicate myself to learning the piano.  I've taken lessons a few times as an adult now and sadly the area I fall down in is actually practicing.  My goal this year is 10 minutes a day, on days I'm in town.  Given my travel schedule this past year, that may only amount to half-time training?  But hey, that's 50% more than I've been doing!  My desire is that next Christmas, I can sit down and play the piano as my own accompaniment for all those Christmas carols I love to sing!

Family goal for this year?  Making and eating home-cooked meals more often.  I find with having kids only 2 week nights each week, I have easily fallen into the takeout trap.  Its "easy" and "fast" and  the kids get to eat something I know they like...  But the reality is its no faster or easier than a home cooked meal, I'm just not usually prepared in advance.  And more often than not, I'm wiped out by the time I get home and just can't convince myself to make the effort.  As for the kids eating stuff they like?  Well just because they like it, doesn't mean its healthy....  This falls into that "sometimes being a parent is hard" realm and I just need to stop catering and start educating.  :o)    Cooking has always been something I've enjoyed, and I think a year off is long enough on the sidelines.  2015 is time to get back in the kitchen for me, my goal is cooking at home Monday and Tuesday evenings, with a stretch goal of cooking at least one meal on weekends with kids.  I think both my pocketbook AND my waistline will thank me for this one!

Now we get into weird and random bucket list items I want to cover next year.  Top of this list?  Camping by myself.  :o)  And why would I want to camp by myself you might ask?  This was the one hobby/passion my ex and I did together with any regularity.  I think this bucket list item is really one of those "making memories to overwrite memories" kinds of things?   Luckily, I won't be completely alone.... I'll have my trusty watch dog Zipper!  Be careful, he will bark your ears off... and then lick you to death!  You've been warned.  :o)

Stretch goals?

Hmmm....

Ballroom dancing lessons!  Yes, I watch too much Dancing With The Stars, HA!  I'd prefer a partner for this stretch goal, does anyone have any willing and single male friends?  Otherwise, I'll just pay for private lessons (this is a last resort, maybe the instructor will be cute??)

Roller derby....  Looks like I just missed December tryouts, next round is in May...  I need to review my insurance policy for this one and perhaps update my will?  LOL

But in all seriousness...  My ultimate goal for 2015?  To be able to look back at the end of this next year and feel similarly to how I feel closing out 2014:  "DAMN!  This year has been an amazing ride, I am so glad I got to experience it!!!"

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me,
And I shall spend my pension
on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals,
and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired,
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells,
And run my stick along the public railings,
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens,
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat,
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go,
Or only bread and pickle for a week,
And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats
and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry,
And pay our rent and not swear in the street,
And set a good example for the children.
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me
are not too shocked and surprised,
When suddenly I am old
and start to wear purple! 
Jenny Joseph